Pleasure, Pain & Surrender

Over the last few weeks as I’ve been in my morning and evening meditations, the topic of pain/pleasure cycle has come to my consciousness.  For then, the relevancy was to break the pain/pleasure cycle and to sit with and appreciate things as they are and not as I want them to be.  

Today, as I over heard a teaching my mom was listening to about Palm Sunday, it all began to click.  

I often talk about the duality of life.  You can’t know darkness without experiencing light, you cannot know and appreciate pure joy without experiencing sadness, and you cannot know pleasure without having experienced pain at some point in life.  

Today is Palm Sunday, and as we reflect on the life of Jesus, I believe that he showed us that the pain, the sadness, the hurt, the heartbreak, the deceit of his peers, and physical death magnified the goodness of love, grace and all that was good... it made his victories more victorious, and miracles more miraculous.  Being the great example of how there will always be times of sorrow and times for celebration— but, who’s to say they can’t both exist simultaneously? 

Because they can, AND they do. 

For every person who deceived or hated Him, hundreds even thousands more loved him.  He had his feet lovingly washed and anointed with precious perfumes by a woman, by contrast he was also beaten and nailed on the cross.  Only two examples of many.

The other part of his life that I love and appreciate so much is that no matter the situation, he was present in it.  He wasn’t caught up with the “OMG” and the “what if’s” and worse case scenarios, he, with power, surrendered to the present moment.  In times of turmoil, He gave thanks and asked for guidance.  It’s so beautiful to reflect on. 

His resurrection showed that no matter how much we get beaten down, no matter how much pain we endure, not even death is too big for God to overcome within us.  

But it’s all part of the process.  We can’t skip over having experienced pain, we cannot skip having experienced love, we cannot skip over learning the art of surrendering just to see the power and love of God.  He is part of all of these things, and so to fully know and experience God in our lives, we have to fully embrace all parts.

But, that doesn’t mean we hold on to our fears, pain and addictions to experience all of the goodness.  The beauty and power comes from the surrender, and pursuit of the truth and light— knowing it’s taken all of eternity to get to this point in our lives and in the world.  And instead of trying to stop something from happening, lean into it to create something beautiful for the rest of the world. 

My morning and evening meditations will still be rooted in breaking the pain/pleasure rollercoaster to achieve a greater place of surrender, presence and understanding, though now with a much greater sense of gratitude and appreciation.

Your Experience

“Comparison is the thief of joy” - Theodore Roosevelt

I was initially writing about presence.  Not necessarily about presence itself, but what it looks like when we aren’t mentally present.  The reality is we all are physically present all of the time (are we, though?),  but we aren’t always mentally present.  But I think comparison has more to do with presence than we think. 

When we aren’t mentally present, our entire experience is living either in the past  (the majority of the time) or the future.  What happens when you are here presently comparing your past or future to your current experience or an expectation of what you think “should be”?  Fear. Depression.  Anxiety.  Worry.

I often look at things on a continuum.  And most of the time people would think that depression is on one end and anxiety at the other.  I don’t believe that’s the case.  

The opposite of depression is elation.  The opposite of anxiety is apathy, and when we don’t mentally live in the present moment, we ride this exhaustive rollercoaster of emotions over and over and over again.  

When we live mentally present, we can see things and can begin to acknowledge things as they are and we can see and acknowledge that every experience is a little bit of every emotion, and that’s okay.  What’s not okay is not integrating the experience, hanging on to the emotion, and thus allowing it to stain your perceptive system.  Because what happens here is 5 years from now when you experience that emotion, your perceptive system is looking for an experience to match it up with.  So to protect you, it will replay the experience over and over and over and over again.  Recruiting all of the same neurochemistry, stress hormones, behaviors, etc. from the past to protect you.  

Integrating a scary, fearful, or emotionally charged experience like we are all experiencing today, is not the same as stuffing it down, distracting yourself from it, not acknowledging it and “compartmentalizing” it.  Integrating an experience is looking at all sides of the experience, finding the gratitude and grace in the uncertainty, and choosing to live somewhere in the middle.  Neither elated or depressed, neither anxious or apathetic.  Choosing love, and understanding, appreciation. 

Because the reality is, we are all human beings.  We are all going to experience every emotion imaginable.  It’s how we choose to live our current experience... are we comparing it to the past, future, or a made up expectation of how things “should be”?  Or are we choosing to see them just as they are from a place of understanding, love and appreciation?  How is this time serving you?

Cultivating Connection

When fear ensues, survival physiology takes over, our frontal lobe loses its ability to fire optimally & inhibits higher thinking. When this happens, it’s literally like wearing blinders. You can only see what’s in front of you and lose the ability to have full periphery.  Your survival senses are heightened and your connective/intuitive senses have dialed back.  

The reality is, your brain is perceiving something as a threat because you have the emotion of fear.  As long as you are in a place of fear, your brain will work to try and protect you.  As brilliant as the brain is, it has no idea and doesn’t know the difference if you are fearful of a pack of wolves that has encircled you, or if you are fearful because you are uncertain about something. The stress response is the same and as long as you are fearful it will be turned on. 

Great news, connection is the antidote to fear.  We feel this when we are upset and our pet or young child sits on our lap.  We pick them up, hold them, smell them, embrace them, and either we begin to forget why we are upset, or we realize that what we are experiencing in that moment is way more important than the reason we are upset. 

So, how do you cultivate more connection at home?

The answer is simple.  You begin by intention only.  Have the desire to create more connection and you’ll find it.  

For me, gardening is a huge source of reconnection.  Getting my hands and feet in the dirt. Smelling the smells of plants and soil and bugs.  I believe we have been given the land and it’s important to steward it the best of our abilities.  Harvesting the fruits, preparing them, eating them.  It’s the ultimate energy exchange.  We feed our time into them and nurture them, and on many levels they feed and nurture us in return. 

Cooking with fire.  Starting a fire intimidates me, but my husband loves it. This past week when we had to close our office, we cooked over the fire and ate outdoors one meal a day.  There’s something so simple about using what we’ve been given to create a meal to nourish our family and give thanks/ celebrate that together.  

Sourdough.  It’s beyond amazing to me that something so simple like flour and water can capture yeast particles floating through the air to create a living, breathing sponge to create breads, cakes, cookies, waffles, pancakes, etc. with.  Working with your hands to knead the dough, using your intuitive senses to tell if the dough is ready for the next step. 

Nature. Forest bathing, puddle jumping, creek stomping. Smelling mossy air, feeling crisp spring water flow across your feet, finding wild edibles to fill your belly and blow your mind. 

But, maybe for you it’s hugging one more person.  Maybe it’s writing. Maybe it’s cooking a meal for someone.  Maybe it’s writing an overdue thank you note.  Maybe it’s reading one more book to your child.  Maybe it’s taking a family nap. Maybe it’s an extra workout.  Maybe it’s sharing your gifts with one person a day. Just be intentional about cultivating more connection and the opportunities will present itself to do so. 

Stewarding when the Pendulum Swings

What I love observing right now is the fact that we are in the process of learning about stewarding and having a fresh approach to the appreciation of resources.  I think it’s because when resources are seen as scarce (like money or food), we have a desire to access to them more abundantly.  So, we begin to change our actions around it— saving money (or liquidating assets) vs unconsciously spending, food production vs solely consumption, etc.  

I believe there has to be a healthy balance of both producing & consuming for society to thrive.

If you look at cultures without money as currency, for instance, they thrive because a symbiotic relationship between the people, the land, and the creatures — and Stewarding resources ( not hoarding resources) is incredibly important.  

So, what happens in society is there is a stress in a system?  That system becomes more egocentric, it operates from survival mode and leans more towards hoarding vs stewarding.  

We’ve seen this with toilet paper recently, tickle me Elmos back in 1997, we see it in nations where famine hits and people become hostile, etc.  The evidence is abundant that stress leads to ego centric behaviors, hoarding and hostility.  But, the opposite can also exist.

So, how do we get back to a stewarding mindset?  

First, is soulful connection.  Connection with yourself, connection with the land, connection with people.  This might look like journaling in the AM or meditation, taking a walk in nature, and having meaningful conversations (NOT conversations about people or complaining or gossip or emotionally charged topics).

Second, is service.  Ask when you wake up, “with the gifts I have, how can I serve the world today?”

Third, is giving.  Give out of abundance.  I heard a great quote that “when you take from abundance, abundance still remains.”  One of the greatest gifts my family and husband has given me is giving from a place of abundance and not withholding because of perceptions or concerns of lack. 

Because let’s think for a moment, if everyone began holding on to and hoarding resources, how differently would society look?  There wouldn’t be restaurants, there would be the need for banks or investment firms, and many other businesses.  

Steward your resources. Tend to them.  Nurture them. AND share them with purpose, intention, and love. 

Oh, and I was on a lovely podcast today!  Take a listen here

What’s Good?

Every time we turn around we are being sold on the promise that a program or product will either make us feel good or is reinforcing the feeling that we “are good” with very little investment in time or resources.

Good skin

Good rates of return 

Good hair

A good smile

A good body

Feeling good (with a 30 second spot just to highlight all of the potential detriment side effects from the thing that’s promising a better feeling)

But may I ask:

Since when did we buy into the belief that “good” is the gold standard of possibility for our lives?

Just think about:

A good experience at a restaurant 

A good blender

Having just a “good” connection with your partner

A good job

A good meal

A Good grade

... I don’t know about you, but these things/experiences leave me wanting more.

So, what is good anyway?  How do we judge if something is”good”?  

How we judge something as good or bad is entirely based on a collection of our beliefs, values and life experiences to date.

So, is “good” even real? Or is it something entirely made up by us?

AND-  Is “good” it? Is that the highest state of being? 

I hope not.

But that’s for you to determine.  If good is your set point for life, good is what you’ll get.  But I believe people don’t want just good, but they settle for good because they think they don’t have the time, energy or resources to experience anything differently.  Or something isn’t high enough on their values list to motivate them to experience anything greater than good.

What do I want?  Exceptional. Extraordinary. Profound. Inspiration. Days filled with joy, laughter and love for the seemingly small moments. A life expressed to the fullest possible potential. And I will work tirelessly to achieve it.

I desire it for me and I desire it for YOU. 

my WHY

I started this blog post 6 years ago and never finished it.  I watched Simon Sinek’s TED talk on starting with WHY.  So, I wanted to share my why.  Why I didn’t finish posting was an entirely different story, which was probably why the name Brene Brown made me want to vomit.  The thought of sharing my why was great.  Actually putting myself out into the public for something that could possibly make me look different to the majority was something of complete horror.  It wasn’t that I wanted to fit in. I never really cared about that.  It was that life had literally battered me so much that I wanted to take the path of least resistance because I couldn’t handle anything else.

So, this is what brings me to what originally inspired me to start this blog 8 years ago.  As written by me then, It was to:

highlight my journey to complete wellness after my diagnosis with Crohn's Disease in 2009.  That WAS my WHY, it was small, but it was personal.  I wanted to show how small and simple lifestyle changes can transform your whole life.  What do I mean?  5 years ago (when I originally started writing, so like 11 years ago from today), I had tons of anxiety around my condition, never wanted to go too far away from home, and turned to pharmaceutical drugs to help "put me into remission."  I believed my doctor wouldn't put me on anything that would put me at risk for further complications (as I held the book... yes BOOK of adverse reactions and side effects to my immunosupressant drug).  After a year, I was no better, actually worse.  Instead of having a GI condition where my body basically ate my intestine, I now had that condition, plus a skin condition, plus memory loss, chronic headaches, wasn't able to string together a conversation, and was told I couldn’t have kids.
So getting back to my WHY...

AND THIS IS WHERE I HAD STOPPED WRITING 6 YEARS AGO.... and this is where I pick up now.

My story isn’t different. But, now I see my story differently.  My story is my biggest blessing.  But, my story is no longer me.  I’m no longer the 22 year old girl victimized by her “incurable condition.” I’m no longer the girl that chooses the path of least resistance because it’s all I can handle.  I live the life that makes me feel free.  I live the life that allows me to express who I am.   I don’t live life with obligations.  I choose.  And I choose love, I choose life, I choose hard-easy over easy-hard, I choose to understand, I choose who I hang out with, I choose what gets my attention, I choose how I take care of myself and my children.  I choose because I can.

Before, I lived a life where people chose for me, through my religious beliefs, familial expectations, social “norms”, but that never seemed to fit me.  But I never chose to do differently.  Not until I fell incredibly ill that I realized that I had the power of choice.

It seems so fitting now that choice is my driver to re-start this blog.  We are facing a time in history when there are so many things that are chosen for us.  How many people we can be around at one time, if we can leave our house, if we can cross from one county line into another... I don’t need to go further, because we all know what it’s like now.  BUT— We still have choice.  We can choose love and service over fear, and we can choose to care for and see our bodies as fortresses over victims of our environment.  Perception is a choice and that’s my drive.  To consciously choose to share a perspective that may be different from the norm, that may be different from your social group, but it might be a perspective that supports something you believe in but are afraid to admit to anyone else but yourself, and that’s ok — that’s WHY i share.

Different Light

When I'm in the garden I feel free, yet very connected and have a sense of peace and clarity that is unparalleled.  Nature, for me, certainly is the best therapy... Not that I have much on my mind lately (my wedding is in 13 days!!)  

I've been in the garden the last couple weeks and have so much to be thankful for.  The colors are beautiful and the harvest has been wonderful (except for the broccoli, we will have to ask the groundhog about the broccoli).  But, whether I am picking strawberries or peas, there is one common theme.  Every time I look at the plant at a different angle, in a different light, I always find more bounty.  ALWAYS.  But thats like everything in life, right?  If you look at something one way only, you will always have one perspective and leave wonderful things behind.  But, if you look at something from another angle, or multiple angles, you will see different things and be able to be bountiful.  What are you trying to harvest?

This series of pictures highlights my season in the garden...

These are my flowers... well, they are my mom's flowers that I picked.  The peonies are from my late great-grandmother's yard and the irises are from my late grandmother's yard.  Flowers have the power to transform any mood and these are truly heirloom and have great meaning!

So, I've been looking for an awesome recipe for gluten free biscuits.  They are not dairy-free, but these were definitely worth the risk.  I made mine with gluten-free baking mix and grass-fed butter using this recipe.  I added fresh thyme.  These aren't something I would eat everyday, but they are great once a season with fresh strawberries!! And they were so good, my grandmother, who tries not to like gluten-free things, took some home with her.  

  



Sometimes you get blessings in disguise.  This picture captures the day I spent picking, cleaning, mashing, freezing, juicing and jamming strawberries.  It all started when I was given a Saturday off that I didn't even apply for and ended with enough berries to last all year.  

 

 Peas (the inspiration for this posting), broccoli and garlic scapes are this week's harvest.  Tomatoes are my favorite plant to grow.  I start them each year from seeds I saved, grow them, harvest and transform them into salsa, sauce, jam, chutney and catsup to enjoy all year and not have to buy chemical, corn syrup and preservative laden canned, condensed and jarred tomato products.  These are only a few of the veggies that help me to eat pure, and by viewing each in a different light, I am able to harvest more and share the wealth with others.