my WHY

I started this blog post 6 years ago and never finished it.  I watched Simon Sinek’s TED talk on starting with WHY.  So, I wanted to share my why.  Why I didn’t finish posting was an entirely different story, which was probably why the name Brene Brown made me want to vomit.  The thought of sharing my why was great.  Actually putting myself out into the public for something that could possibly make me look different to the majority was something of complete horror.  It wasn’t that I wanted to fit in. I never really cared about that.  It was that life had literally battered me so much that I wanted to take the path of least resistance because I couldn’t handle anything else.

So, this is what brings me to what originally inspired me to start this blog 8 years ago.  As written by me then, It was to:

highlight my journey to complete wellness after my diagnosis with Crohn's Disease in 2009.  That WAS my WHY, it was small, but it was personal.  I wanted to show how small and simple lifestyle changes can transform your whole life.  What do I mean?  5 years ago (when I originally started writing, so like 11 years ago from today), I had tons of anxiety around my condition, never wanted to go too far away from home, and turned to pharmaceutical drugs to help "put me into remission."  I believed my doctor wouldn't put me on anything that would put me at risk for further complications (as I held the book... yes BOOK of adverse reactions and side effects to my immunosupressant drug).  After a year, I was no better, actually worse.  Instead of having a GI condition where my body basically ate my intestine, I now had that condition, plus a skin condition, plus memory loss, chronic headaches, wasn't able to string together a conversation, and was told I couldn’t have kids.
So getting back to my WHY...

AND THIS IS WHERE I HAD STOPPED WRITING 6 YEARS AGO.... and this is where I pick up now.

My story isn’t different. But, now I see my story differently.  My story is my biggest blessing.  But, my story is no longer me.  I’m no longer the 22 year old girl victimized by her “incurable condition.” I’m no longer the girl that chooses the path of least resistance because it’s all I can handle.  I live the life that makes me feel free.  I live the life that allows me to express who I am.   I don’t live life with obligations.  I choose.  And I choose love, I choose life, I choose hard-easy over easy-hard, I choose to understand, I choose who I hang out with, I choose what gets my attention, I choose how I take care of myself and my children.  I choose because I can.

Before, I lived a life where people chose for me, through my religious beliefs, familial expectations, social “norms”, but that never seemed to fit me.  But I never chose to do differently.  Not until I fell incredibly ill that I realized that I had the power of choice.

It seems so fitting now that choice is my driver to re-start this blog.  We are facing a time in history when there are so many things that are chosen for us.  How many people we can be around at one time, if we can leave our house, if we can cross from one county line into another... I don’t need to go further, because we all know what it’s like now.  BUT— We still have choice.  We can choose love and service over fear, and we can choose to care for and see our bodies as fortresses over victims of our environment.  Perception is a choice and that’s my drive.  To consciously choose to share a perspective that may be different from the norm, that may be different from your social group, but it might be a perspective that supports something you believe in but are afraid to admit to anyone else but yourself, and that’s ok — that’s WHY i share.